The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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