I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
