I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
