I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
