I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
