Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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