Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
