Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
