its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
