I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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