I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
