it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
