Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
