I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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