I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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