everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
