Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
