i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
