Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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