The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
