I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
