I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
