All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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