I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
