we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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