I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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