Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
