she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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