My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
