I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
