Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
