i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
