I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
