Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
