I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
