My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
