Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
