I need to stop coming to work sober
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
