Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
