I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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