I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
