Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
