Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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