I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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