she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
