I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
