Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
