Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
