Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
