I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it was like eating out sand paper
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
