Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
