I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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