Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
