I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
