I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
