So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize