There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
