the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
