last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
